Yikes

Nothing makes me cringe harder than setting a personal deadline and not meeting it, especially when so much time has passed. I have been debating for a while if I should write anything. Truthfully I would just like my next post to be where you can buy Delmora and skip the bullshit. But I think an explanation is owed. For the past year I have been focus almost solely on my studies and my health. A few hours ago I took my last final for the semester; wrapping up straight As in five classes. In a few weeks I will start summer classes and if I am somehow lucky enough to get into the academic program of my choice the road to graduation is still a long one.

I mentioned before physical health, its been a long time since I have focused on my mental health, by mental health I mean Delmora. I won’t lie and try and say I was too busy to make the finishing touches. I’ve been too scared to be so close to the end. Imagine you kept a diary of your whole life in high school and you told everyone you were going to publish it. You’d be scared wouldn’t you? Delmora has nothing to do with my personal life, it is a complete fantasy that I have very much disassociated with and made it completely unique. Yet, it’s so personal to me I feel paralyzed thinking someone will read it. There are times I wonder if I should have announced to people that Delmora existed. Sometimes I regret telling people I wrote a book. Maybe I’m crazy, hell I know I’m crazy but I can’t help thinking that Delmora is the truest extension of me. If someone doesn’t like it, its a reflection on myself as a human. I am highly insecure about it, to me Delmora is the greatest book ever written, but I don’t think I’m worthy of that kind of consideration.

The story and idea of Delmora has haunted me every single day since I made it and that has not changed at all. There isn’t a single day that has gone by that I don’t think about Delmora. So when I say I am afraid of publishing; I really mean it. It may sound ridiculous, its certainly ridiculous to me I’ve never been so irrationally scared of anything. I practically live for danger. But I am being honest here. I am scared of publishing Delmora, wether it is good or bad, liked or hated…. all of it scares me.

This increasingly big hiccup in my life is not going to stop me. Fear has and never will stop me. I am still making the finishing touches of Delmora and it will be finished by the time I die and that’s all I can assure anyone. I never wrote Delmora to be an author. I never wrote Delmora to get some kind of notoriety, honestly I don’t even know why I wrote Delmora…. sometimes I think it wrote itself and I was just some kind of cosmic vessel for the whole story. I have so many stories waiting to come out that I can’t explore yet because Delmora is king of my castle and wont let me go until it’s over. So I just wanted to say I’m here, and I’m still on the mission.